Grieving over life? What does that mean? Seems kinda dark, I know.
I've been thinking over a million different blog posts but never started...wrote them up partially in my head and then decided not to commit to the digital world. But now I look over the treasures that my dad wrote over the years - thoughts, recollections, feelings, beliefs...these are more valuable than almost any possession he has handed down.
I was thinking about "living with grief" and what that means. I feel like right now "grieving over life" seems to fit a little better. I'm grieving over the life that I once had - with everyone I loved alive and well around me. The life that I wish my dad had been able to finish out. The time. The new memories.
No more new memories.
And grief over a long term illness like cancer is something different. You grieve while the person is alive - when the chemo starts to alter their personality and demeanor. The pain that you know they are feeling and that mixture of selfish sadness because you want them to endure to stay with you...even for just a moment longer.
It still does not seem right that my dad has been gone almost 6 months. For someone that did not go but a day or two to talk with their dad, this has seemed like eternity. I still hear his voice - so clear - singing sweet hymns and silly songs in their house...asking about my day when he called in the evening...asking what they could do to help - even when he was 5 radiation treatments in and could hardly stand.
It's still difficult for me to grasp the thought of new memories. Photography is hard...pictures that I once adored to take will now always be one person short. My biggest support, my biggest fan...gone.
I have an inability to leave anything on a negative note and this post will be no different :) Although I still miss my dad so. very. much...I see God's beauty in so many places.
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in
God's love in the precious people that take the time to care for my family. Beautiful sunny days. Breathtaking sunsets that I swear my dad sends just for us :) My kids mentioning their beloved "Pa" every day in some form or fashion...LOVE that.
It's a new chapter. A new normal. Here's to "being present" every day :)
